MWI and Red Flags

As I was telling you before, being in a relationship with someone who you met while they are incarcerated is really difficult. Many support sites that I have found for prison wives call this kind of relationship "MWI Met While Incarcerated". I thought at first that my relationship wasn't normal or that not many people met like this. I found out that there are thousands of relationships that start out this way. There are Prison Pen Pal sites that you can go to and find a inmate that interests you and it will list their location and even show a picture. You can write them and start a relationship that way. They you can also meet the old fashion way of being introduced by a family member or a friend just like I was. There are some who may have worked in the Prison and began a relationship with them. There are many many ways that a MWI relationship can start. I actually look at it just the same as internet dating. How many sites are there where you can make a profile and practically choose the kind of person that you are interested in? There are tons of them now. And there are tons of everyday people who use them. You take a chance and hope that you make a connection with them. You take a chance a hope that your first impression is a good one. You take a chance that they are the person that they claim to be.

Well, meeting someone while they are in prison is like the same thing. The only difference is that they are in Prison. For whatever their crime is, you still hope the same things as you would if you would have met this person on one of those internet dating sites.

Lots of people in the beginning of my relationship would ask me how do I know if he is playing me or using me. You can hope that its not the case but you can never really know. You can believe in your heart that its a real love, but in all honesty you can never know. People sometimes tend to believe that people cannot change. They think that because of their location being in a Prison, that they are incapable of loving or caring for another person. But that is far from the case. I have met many of couples who have met while their mate was incarcerated and when their loved one has come home he is the same loving and caring person that he was while he was in. On the other hand I have met plenty of couples who did not make it once their loved one came home. Does this sound familiar to you yet?

Thinking about the people you know that have no prison records, how many of those people you know are newly single? How many people do you know that are going through the process of a divorce? How many people do you know have cheated or were cheated on by their spouse? I can name some right now. There are some relationships that make it and their are some that don't make it. You take a chance with that person and believe in your heart that this is the one for you. Sometimes you are right and sometimes you are wrong. A question that I am always asked is about the time that would have been wasted with me waiting only for him to come home and do wrong. I was with my ex for four years before I left. I don't consider that time wasted. I think of it as a learning experience. I think that those four years taught me that a relationship shouldn't always be about what you "want" but it should be about what you "need". Once I figured that out I knew that my time with my ex wasn't all for nothing. The same thing goes for the man and woman that were married for 30+ years and decided to get a divorce. That time wasn't wasted. They may have found their true selves during that time and are able to be honest with themselves regarding their marriage. The same goes for the woman in a abusive relationship behind closed doors for 10 years. She now knows what she will and will not tolerate from someone. I know that I am learning a lot about myself during this Journey with L. I do believe that this will work however if it didn't, I will not regret one part about it because I would be taking a lot from it.

There are some things that us "MWI's" need to be aware of when being in this type of relationship. Just like there are some thing you would need to be aware of certain behavior if you were in a relationship out in the free world. Here are some general RED FLAGS to watch out for to make sure that your relationship is a honest relationship. However, this is just my opinion.

1. Commissary: If he/she is adoment about you sending a large sums of money all the time. Maybe even before you meet in person.

2. Other women: There is no real way to know if he is writing other women but if it is known that he is then run the other way. Or it may be that one time you get a letter and its addressed to you but the letter is for another person with he/she saying the same things he/she says to you...run faster

3. Calls: He/she using all of the calls and only maybe one or two on you but he/she can't account for the other calls.

I can actually give a few more but to me, we as women have that intuition thing and we can sense when something isn't right. It is just up to us to use that knowledge to help us in making decisions.

I just want to say to all the people who have doubts about the type of relationship that I am in. I know that you may think my relationship is not the normal way that people meet and you think that I may be crazy for falling in love with someone in Priosn. I just want to let you know that the only thing different about my relationshop compared to yours is L's location. And that is just Geography.....

Thank you for reading

Meet the Parents...

Being in a relationship with someone you met while they were in Prison can be rather difficult. You have to have your eyes wide open to spot any signs of deceit. I will have another blog regarding that issue alone. L did a good job with making sure that I knew that I was the one and only for him.

It was the end of our second date and L had told me that he was going to call his parents that night. He wanted to see them some time soon and was going to ask them to come up. I get home from our date around 8pm. I was actually sitting in my sisters car ready to go out for some girl talk and cocktails when my phone rang with a number that I did not recognize. I answered the phone with my guard up and a womans voice says "Is this Soraya?" I hesitated on answering the question because I didn't want this to be what I thought it would be. You know what I am talking about. That call that you get from the wife or girlfriend telling you that she found your number in her mans cell phone and then you both end up having this long conversation adding up times and places. I was nervous to answer but I did. I told her that I was Soraya and the next response was music to my ears. She said "This is L's sister and he gave me and my mom your number to call and introduce ourselves to you and to make sure you made it home safely". My heart sank at that very moment. She went on to say how much L talks about me to them and how happy he sounds. She even told me that her brother has never talked to her about any female before so she knew that I had to be someone special to him. I couldn't do anything but smile the entire time. Then L's mom got on the phone and I was even more of a nervous wreck. She just kept telling me "Thank you for Loving my son". I thought that was the sweetest thing. We talked on the phone for a while and she insisted on me coming out there to visit them some time soon. We switched numbers and that is how our relationship began.

I would call and check on them at least once every two weeks to see how they were doing and to relay any messages to L or to them from L. It was very comforting to know that I had a relationship with his family. About two months after the first phone call from them, they asked if me and my daughter would come to see them for the weekend. L was excited when I told him that we would be traveling to see them. He couldn't wait. He kept saying that he knew they would love me. So we planned to to take the Amtrak train to visit them at the end of August 2010.

As we were getting off the train, I began to get the shakes. I was nervous about meeting his family not only face to face but also without him there to formally introduce us. We were on our own. It was a very different situation. But I was up for it and so was my daughter. We got off the train and we stood outside waiting with all the other passengers for a ride to pull up. I had no idea what L's parents looked like, so I was hoping that they could tell it was me. Lots of cars pulled up and pulled off and I was getting antsy. Finally his parents pulled up and his mom playfully yelled "Heyyyyy". They both got out of the car to greet us with hugs and kisses. it was like we were already family. I loved it. We got to the house and was greeted by his two sisters and his neice. They were very welcoming. Everyone wanted to see pictures of me and L and hear our story. They wanted to know how we met and how we were making this work. They kept telling me how beautiful me and my daughter are and how happy they are for him that he has found someone like me. I was very overwhelmed. Then L's little brother came in. Now L always calls his brother "twin". At that moment, I knew exactly why he called him twin. L's brother was a spitting image of him. He looked just like him except L's brother has a baby face since he is only 14 years old. I couldn't believe it. I just kept smiling and staring at him. We had dinner and drinks that night and we talked and talked and talked. My daughter enjoyed herself playing with his neice. They were only a year apart so they got along very well. The whole weekend I got to see old pictures of L and hear stories about him as a child. It was definately a cherishable moment. I loved every bit of it. L has a wonderful and loving family and I was glad they accepted me right into it with open arms.

My daughter didn't want to leave that sunday night. She actually cried. I had promised her that we would return again soon. And that is exactly what we did. We visit his family for the weekend at least once a month if not more. I talk to them at least once a week now and it has been great. I call his parents "mom and dad" and his sisters "sis". I call his brother twin just like he does. They accept me and my daughter as L's wife and daughter. They treat my daughter as their own grandaughter. I have been blessed that this worked out in our favor. They helped to take a awkward situation and make it a pleasant one and I love them for that. L loves the relationship that I have with his family. I love it too. I love that he gave me the oppritunity to get to know them by asking them to call me.

This is how I answer one of the main questions that are asked of me. People always wonder how we make this work. One of the reasons I tell them is the love that is around me gets me through. Not only do I have my best friends and my family supporting me and L's relationship, I have his family on our side as well. They keep me connected to him in a way that maybe some letters and phone calls can't. Going to visit them and spending time with them and hearing stories of L and meeting more and more of his family brings me closer to him then you could imagine. I love it.

Thank you for reading and sorry about the delay(smile)

Introduction to my Daughter...

When is it ever a good time to introduce a special person in your life to your children? Everyone probably has different answers for that question. Some could say six months after you first met them, some could say six weeks, some could even say six days after. No matter what,there will still be that one person telling you that you are crazy and that you should have waited longer. I do not expect everyone to agree with my decision to introduce my daughter to L while he is still in prison, or when and how we did it. This is simply the way me and L went about it and it has worked for us. But just like anything else, what works for us may not work for you.

I had told L about my daughter in my first letter. He admired the strong love and bond that I have with my daughter. He would always ask me in my letters how she was doing in school and in her activities. Now on the other hand I had not told my daughter anything about L. I didn't feel she needed to know anything about him right up front. Especially since I hadn't expected this to really go anywhere. So for months she had not known what was going on. Once me and L decided to take our relationship to the next level, and she started to see that I was getting more and more letters from L, she asked me who he was and I told her that he was a special friend. I didn't tell her where he was or anything like that. I think it was about two months after we got together that I had explained to her that L was in Prison and that he was on punishment for doing bad things and that he is learning his lesson. I didn't want to go into detail about every thing but she understood what I had told her.

The first time L and my daughter talked on the phone was July 4, 2010. We had a block party and L had previously told me that he would call me that day. While we talked he had asked me if it was okay if he talked to her. I agreed and called her over to the phone. They talked for about two to three minutes and the conversation was mostly with L asking the questions and my daughter giving one word answers. After their first conversation, L sent my daughter her first Prison made card. She was ecstatic about it. She showed it off to all of her friends and anyone willing to look at it. She wrote him a letter back thanking him and from that moment on they began to build a relationship that today I am very proud of. From then on the phone conversations began to get longer and longer and my daughter was now comfortable enough to talk to him and ask him questions and even laugh with him. With more and more time passing L and my daughter had a good relationship with one another. Some things had changed in me and L's relationship (future blog) and we were now doing Virtual Visits. A Virtual Visit is a visit that is held at a place where they have a room with a camera and a tv. The person can see and hear you and you can see and hear them. Kind of like Web chat. I took my mom and my daughter to meet L through a Virtual Visit on December 9, 2010. It was the best visit ever even though I wasn't able to touch and hug L. They got along with L just as if L was right there beside us. They laughed and laughed and laughed the entire visit. I wish you all could have seen the smile on my face. Nothing could take it away.

L and my daughter had even made arrangements on when he would call to speak to her. At first it was just Wednesdays. L would call around 8pm and we would talk for a little bit and then I would put my daughter on the phone. She would sit next to me and tell him about her day and she would ask him about his. They would laugh of course and after about ten minutes she would give me back the phone and he always says "Yo, she is comical"...She would have him cracking up. I love that. Well, after a while, the one day a week wasn't getting it and they decided that they would add on Saturdays too. So now they talk on Wednesdays and Saturdays every week. My daughter has received many cards and gifts from L and she loves writing back to him. She gets to see him once a month through the Virtual Visit and she looks forward to them all. He helps her with homework during the visits and gets to act as silly as she wants to because L does nothing but laugh the entire time. L doesn't have any children. He says my daughter is his daughter. Although my daughter knows her biological father, she says she has the best of both worlds because she has two.

One day my daughter felt as though since more things had changed in me and L's relationship (future future blog) that she should have a different name to call him besides Mr.L...She had asked me to help her look for a name and we went online and googled some things and she came up with "Bud"...So to my daughter, L is Bud. He absolutely loves it. When she gets on the phone to speak to him she says "Whats up Bud" and you can hear him laughing through the phone. It is so hilarious.

I love the bond that my daughter and L now have with each other. I always think back to that first phone call on July 4th and then I look to where they are now. Back then it was all one word answers and now she takes up a whole fifteen minute phone call. To actually see a relationship grow right in front of you is amazing. I love it. I love that they get along so well. She is actually looking forward to meeting him in person. We talk about it all the time.

Some may have problems with this blog and say that I was crazy to introduce my daughter to L but I think it has been working out for us. L has some years left and my daughter would be about 11 or 12 by the time he comes home and I couldn't imagine me telling my 12 year old that a man is coming to stay with us and she has no idea about him or has never met him before. I talked it over with myself and I talked with L about it as well to get his input on it. This is what I came up with and I am happy with my decision. Wouldn't change any of it.

Dealing with Family and Friends...

This was a rough subject for me. I had kind of a hard time explaining my relationship with L to my family and friends. My mother was and is still my biggest supporter when it comes to me and L, which was my major concern. I explained to her what was going on and of course in the beginning she had some concerns but soon after she seen how happy I was, she realized that this was good for me. Til this day I can talk to my mom about anything regarding my relationship with L and she is very supportive of us. My mom has noticed lots of changes within me since me and L

Now the rest of my family really don't speak on it. I mainly talk to my younger cousins and they know more then my older relatives know. I believe that they speak of it and are concerned but no one has ever expressed concern to it to me. I have some aunts and uncles whom I can speak with regarding everything and they are supportive even though they may not agree with my decision. They don't usually express their opinions about our relationship so there is little to none confrontation about it.

Now my friends on the other hand have known me for years and know lots about me. They know things about me that others do not know. They know how my past was with other relationships and things I had gotten myself into prior to me meeting L. My friends know that I am not the type that rejects advice. Some of them expressed concern with me and L being together and some of them chose to say things to other people regarding my relationship. Since being in this relationship, I have found out lots about the people around me. Once it was out in the open that I was with him and that I was extremly happy, some I guess, didn't like it. I say "didn't like it" because they have never really told me why they chose to downplay my relationship or talk about it in a negative manner. I had thought my family would be the hard part but it ended up being my friends. People that I had known for years were showing me their true colors. It wasn't that they were telling me what they thought about our relationship and it was their opinion. I respect others opinions. If it were about their opinion then I am sure we would still be on great terms. It was the fact that they couldn't come to me with their concerns. Instead they chose to go behind my back about it. I would cry and cry to L on the phone while I told him something new that I had heard and at times I honestly couldn't believe my ears. After a while I chose to distance myself from certain people to remove the negative vibes from my life and my surroundings. Since then I have been much more happy and calmer. I don't have the same drama in my life and I am more relaxed and content with my relationship. I had realized with me being with L that I had lots of people in my life that was only supposed to be in my life for a couple of seasons, but I held on to them a lot longer then I was supposed to. In the end I learned a lesson and I have moved on from it.

My friends concerns were that he could come home and do me wrong. Ok, yes he could do that. I could be with L until he comes home and then he could be the total opposite of what he has said to me. I have thought about that. But I could also be with someone out in the free world who has spent the past 4 years treating me right and think that we are happy together and then get a rude awakening when I find out he got someone else pregnant. Things happen all the time and no one can predict what the future holds. The only thing you can do is pray for a wonderful outcome. Do I think L would come home and do me wrong? No, of course I don't think that way. However if it did happen then I would be hurt and then I would take time to acknowledge the lesson that was taught to me during the relationship and take heed to it.

Another concern that was expressed to me was that I have a seven year old daughter. What I had to let my friends know was that I do not plan to just jump head first into taking her up to the prison to see L. Not only am I not crazy enough to do that but L would not have liked it as well. We took our time regarding my daughter slowly getting to know who L is. Rushing things with her could only hurt her and that is far from what I was trying to do.

There were some friends who couldn't get past the whole idea of someone in Prison actually changing and not being the same person that they were when they first entered the Prison. People in Prison are just like us. We do something wrong, something that we aren't supposed to do and we may or may not get caught doing it. We can chang the type of person that we once were. It is up to us. I know I am not the same person I was in High School. Heck, I am not the same person I was a year from now. I would like to think that I have changed for the better and I have belief that L has also changed for the better.

All in All there are going to be some people who support you 100%. And to those friends I thank them every day. There may not be many, we may not see each other on a regular basis, but they are there when I need them and if they have some concern I know they will come to me and we will sit down and have something to eat and talk about it. I know they won't hold anything back. They will be the true friends that they have been to me.

There will also be some people who don't support you and to them I sadly shake my head. Knowing how many people claim to be someones friends and claim to be real and tell it like it is, it makes me sad that they aren't REALLY able to express their feelings to someone they say is a FRIEND.

L was wonderful with supporting me while I went through the change with my friends and family. If I needed to cry he let me cry and then made me laugh. If I needed to scream and yel, then he let me scream and yell and then talked me back down to a normal tone. He did what a perosn who is in Love is supposed to do.....He was THERE for me.

We both realized that we couldn't build our relationship the way that anyone else saw fit. We had to do this for Soraya and L.

We make this work for US...not everyone else.

2nd Date...Love is Revealed...

It was the night before our second date. I was a nervous wreck while I was at my sisters house getting ready to head out to catch this bus. I had to be there by 2am. It was only 10pm the night before. We were watching the Lakers vs. Celtics last game in the 2009-2010 season. They were tied at 3-3, so whoever won this game won the Championship. I was on pins and needles through out the entire game. Me and L are both really big Lakers fans. So I was hoping to talk about the winning of the game at our date rather then the lost. My sister helped me to get ready and she dropped me off at the bus station and I seen about 30 others waiting for the same bus. The bus arrives and we all pack in a line that was supposed to be straight and we got on the bus. Its about 2:10am at this point and you would have thought everyone would hae been tired but there were people up the whole bus ride there.

We pull up to the prison and I am excited. I was happy that I didn't have the stress of driving up to the Prison myself. I felt more relaxed and ready to see L. We stood in line and waitted for our names to be called to go back to the visiting area. Once again I waited in that room for L to come out and when he did any and all worries that may have been on my mind had vanished. He grabbed me and pulled me into him for a hug and a much needed kiss. There goes that smile again. I was on about 7 to 8 clouds at that moment. We sat down and began to talk about the game. We were both ecstatic that the Lakers had won. After a while L had began to sweat. L has a bald head so you could see the water pouring off of his head. He kept whiping his face and his leg was shaking. I knew he was nervous about something. I knew he had to say something but he was taking to long so I blurted out to him "I Love You".....L looked at me with this face that started out stressed and ended in calmness. I was shocked that I said it. L was even more shocked. He smiled. He then said "I Love you too but....I don't want you to think that I said it because you said it first. I was preparing myself to say it and I was nervous that you would want to fall back"...I grabbed his hands and I smiled. My heart was skipping beats. It was the first time someone had told me they loved me and I didn't question it. It felt so good. Finally Love had found me. Finally....

The rest of the visit was wonderful. Now, I know that it may seem rushed to some but remember, me and L were writing to one another since January. We were friends before anything. We fell for each other based off personality rather then physical appearance. Was it the normal route that most take when meeting their spouse? No, by all means it wasn't. However, that doesn't say that our love isn't real. This worked for me and L. It may not work for every one else.

Once I got home that evening after the date, L called me to make sure that I had made it home safely. We talked for a while and it was the first time I could hear him smiling through the phone. I love that feeling. I love when I hear his smile and know that I am the one that has put the smile there. Even as I am typing this letter. I am sitting here smiling remembering the cherished moment between us. When the call was over and the operator told us we had one minute remaining. There was nothing awkward about the way the call ended. He said "I Love You" and I said "I Love You too" and a feeling of relief entered my body. It feels good to love and know that I am being loved back.

I Love You L