Have you ever???

Have you ever caught yourself doing something, or wishing for something to happen and then right then and there, it happened. It was the Tuesday after my first visit to the Prison to see L and I was waiting patiently for the letter that he said he would write after our visit. When I called home from work that day, my mom had told me that no mail arrived for me. I was sitting on my porch looking at my phone ready to update my social networking status and put that I was missing a special someone and at that very moment my phone rang and there was the picture of me and L on my phone. It was him. My eyes got wide. The biggest smile came across my face. I ran in the house and up to my room for some privacy. I accepted the call and it felt like it was the first time he had ever called me. Hearing his voice was so comforting.

After the first visit, I went home and the fact that he was in Prison started to play with my mind. I wanted to know what he was thinking, like you would want to know after any other date. I wanted to ask him if he enjoyed himself, if he wanted to see me again. I mean he said all of those things while I was there, but I wanted to hear them again now that I was home. It was killing me that I wasn't able to pick up the phone and let him know I had made it home okay and then just talk for a little while to let each other know that we enjoyed each other. Then maybe set up plans for another date. The frustration of it all was getting to me. I wanted to speak to L. So when I got that call, of course I was extra excited to speak with him. As soon as he told me that he missed me my heart sank. Like, remember when you had that crush on the senior in high school and you were just a shy freshman? Remember how it felt the day you made yourself fall into him and he caught you with his magical arms and looked into your eyes and said "hey"??? Do you remember the feeling of your heart melting or the feeling of having butterflies all over your body. That was how it felt when he told me he missed me. It was wonderful. I never wanted the feeling to go away. We talked for the normal fifteen minutes and of course I didn't want the phone call to end.

We talked about the next time that I would visit L and I had already told him that I was given some information where there was a non profit organization that made monthly bus trips to where L was for $25.00 roundtrip. I was able to get a bus ticket and made plans to go on Friday June 18, 2010. That would be our second date. I knew I had lots to talk about with L on this upcoming date because my feelings were flying every which way. I could tell that we both wanted to say more but was scared of the others reaction. The end of phone calls were awkward and our letters were telling more and more about the way we were feeling. Although I was experiencing lots of happiness and excitement, this was also the time when a lot of things regarding a prison relationship hit me in the face. You find yourself doing things that you never did before. Well, I did. I had always loved attention. My mate had to show me attention and when I say attention I mean I needed to be around them a lot. But this....this was....different. All we had between visits were letters and a phone call once a week. So I started to wait for the mail. At first it wasn't that bad but then I found myself stalking my mailman from my job. I use to have my mom text me and let me know if I had mail or not. If I didn't get mail it literally was the end of the world. Some may say that I may have had a crazy moment at that time but I beg to differ. I was just trying to adjust to a new world for me. It wasn't something that I could easily adjust to. This was our communication. The communication that so many in the free world seem to take for granted. Over the next few months we learned to master communication. We could have one fifteen minutes phone call and start off cool then argue resolve the problem and then be back on boo lovin terms by the time the operator says "You have one minute remaining". Then with letters it was worst cause it took forever for him to get my letters. But we made adjustments within ourselves to have the letters work in our favor. It was hard as heck to keep from wanting the letters to never end. So this was starting to be my new life. I was happy. Would I have wanted it different and him out in the free world? Yes, I would love it but I know that everything happens for a reason. My reason you ask??? I will tell ya later (smile)