January 28, 2011 8pm

Today was the day. Today I would be married to L and be Mrs. L.J. I had everything set and was ready. Little did I know that soem friends had some other plans for us on our special day.

The day before our special day, we got 15 inches of snow. I was devastated because I thought that not that many people would come to our little gathering. I woke up that friday morning and went to the mall by myself to pick up a couple of last minute things for myself. I already had a nice long jean skirt that I wanted to wear but I needed a nice sweater to go with it. I was able to find one and some pretty pins for my hijab. My sister was already at my house helping me to get ready for my night. When I got home, she was smiling while telling me that there was something delivered to the house for me. I had no idea what it was. I put my bags away and I see that it is a delivery from Edible Arrangements. I was excited to see what it was and who it was from. It was a bag and inside of the bad was a cute little teddy bear and a red box with huge chocolate strawberries in it. There was a note on top of the box. So I sat on the couch with one strawberry in my hand and in the other hand was the note. As I enjoyed the strawberry, I realized the note and the strawberries and bear were from my best friend who lives in New York. She wasn't able to join me in Philly so she would be viewing the festivities later that night on OOVOO. I was so happy that she thought to send me something and helped to make this day so special for me.

I had a couple of other things to do through out the day and I talked to L on the phone numerous amounts of time. You can hear in his voice how excited he was. This date was also our letter anniversary. This was one year from the date that I wrote that first letter to L. We thought it was even more special that we chose this day to be married. It made me even more happy that I chose to write that first letter to him. I was to marry my best friend and I couldn't be any happier.

Around 5pm that evening there was a knock at the door. I answered it and seen a guy with flowers. I was stumped once again as to who the flowers could be from. I found another note on the flowers and seen that they were from a woman whom I had met on a "prisoners wives" support group that I am in (Prisontalk.com)She sent me some colorful roses as well as some bath beads and aroma therapy candles. I definately felt love from all of my friends who live outside of Pa who were there to make my day much more special for me.

As the time came for me to start getting ready, I was a nervous wreck. I took a long bubble bath with candels and rose petals in it. That was able to relax me and take me to another zone. I was ready. When I was done getting dressed and putting on the last finishing touches, I went downstairs to whom awaited me. My sister and my friends were all there sitting around the table with the phone and the computer. I hooked up the computer to show my bff listening in and watching closely. My mom took a cab home and made it just in time for L to call to get things started. When he called I put him on speaker phone and the ceremony began.

The Imam started off asking us both questions and making sure that we both knew what it was that we were doing and that no one was forcing this on us. Then he started to speak in Arabic and it just sounded so beautiful. Hearing him bless our union brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't stop smiling. I looked around me and everyone else was crying lol. My mom was the biggest baby of them all. After the ceremony was done, the Imam went on to speak to me and L on a more personal level. He said to us that this won't be easy. And not all will agree with our decision to marry. But that we have to be strong and have faith that we will overcome this hurdle (prison) and come out in the end on top. I felt so confident about my marriage.

After the ceremony was over, L stayed on the line a little while longer and spoke to my family and friends. It was a lovely night. We had planned to meet again for our honeymoon later that night.

This is the part that I was nervous about. I have read many stories where women who had married their husbands in prison were devastated that night because of them not being able to spend that night with their new husband. I didn't want our special day to be like that. I didn't want to be happy all day and then cry all night because he wasn't there with me. So me and L talked about how our night would end before our special day had came. We agreed that late that night he would call me and we would be together behind closed doors. I won't say anything else. I will just say that I went to bed that night with a smile on my face and that I woke up with one as well.

Well, that was our special day. It was a lovely one. The snow didn't stop it and neither did the distance. I would do it again the same way if I had the chance. I had everyone that I love there with me and our union was blessed ten times over. We believe that we are still in the honeymoom phase lol. I love L so much.

Our 1 year anniversary is coming up shortly and we are super excited to have been married for one year. I still can't stop smiling...

Getting ready for the big day...

After visiting L in Michigan for the first time, we began to start planning for my next trip out to see him. We agreed that I would come February 18th thru the 21st. This time we would be able to have three visits instead of two. I would fly in that Friday evening and ride the bus back home that Monday afternoon. I was excited to start planning for the next time we would see each other again. By this time I was now a Muslim. I was starting to read more and more about my religion and I came across something that said that it was not permissable for me to be visiting L alone. I didn't want to start off with sins so me and L started talking more about being engaged. Before we had agreed that we would have a small ceremony once L was home and share that day with close family and friends. Now things were different.

After talking about the topic numberous times, me and L were happy to know that we would be marrying before my visit to see him in February. Now we just had to explain our plans to everyone else.

I spoke to my mother and my daughter about it first. They were my main concern. I wanted both of them to be happy for me but I also wanted them to express any concerns that they may have had. I didn't want them to think that they had to hold their feelings about the situation back from me. I wanted them to feel free to say exactly how they felt. It turned out that tey were both ecstatic about us getting married. My daughter loves L. And she loves how he makes me smile and is always saying that she is happy that I am happy. She has seen me go through a lot and for her to see me smiling makes me smile even more. My mom cried when I first told her. She too knows how much I had previously been through and is happy that I have someone in my life worth marrying. So, with that being said, I was happy to know that they both were on board with me marrying L. After telling my mom and daughter, we then told L's family and our friends. Most people were happy but almost all of them were shocked that we were getting married so soon. Me and L had thought about this as well but we promised each other that we would not stop working towards a better relationship and not stop learning different ways to make this work for us.

So the plan was for us to get married via phone. There was a Imam at the facility where L was located so that was a big thing that we didn't have to worry about. Then we also had to make sure we both had witnessess that would be on each end of the phone since we would not be in the same place together. Not to mention, I wanted my closet friends to be there with me. Even though me and L would not be there with each other physically, I still wanted this day to be special for the both of us.

So I let my closest friends and relatives know when we planned to have our special day. It was set to happen January 28,2011 at 8pm. I would had my sister, my 2 closest cousins, and my 2 closest friends there with me. I would also have my best friend joining us through Ooovoo on the computer so that she is able to see me and hear everything happening. And of course my Wali(guardian) would be there. That day was fastly approaching us and my mind was running a mile a minute trying to make sure that we had everything available and that everything was going to run smooth with us that day. I couldn't wait to be declared husband and wife and my name change to Soraya Day-Johnson. I couldn't wait to share and spend the rest of my life with L.

Most say that we are both crazy to get married while L was still in Prison. I say that my preference of my special day changed. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more then to have a big huge wedding with a big huge dress. I wanted the ultimate fantasy recpetion with every one who was anyone to be there. I wanted the best DJ, the best food and the best decorations. I just wanted the best...Now that I am older, I look back and realized that I never imagined the type of man I wanted to marry. I mean I had dreams of marrying Usher or Kobe Bryant but not someone in the real times lol. I never thought of the man.

Now, all of that didn't matter to me anymore. I didn't want the big huge dress or the big huge wedding and reception. I didn't need any of that. I didn't need to have all of that to confirm the love that I had for L. We as a couple didn't need to spend all of this money to show the world that we were in love with one another and that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. All I wanted to be there was L and my daughter. Thats it. That was all that I needed. I didn't need a big wedding checklist. My checklist had less than five items on it and I could remember it by heart.

Pros and Cons

Lots of people thought that me and L's relationship was doomed once he was transfered out of state to Michigan. We as a couple really didn't know what to expect either. We were still very new to all of this and still trying to find our way through all the mess. It wasn't easy and it did take time to adjust to all the new rules and regulations and we also had to figure out how to make our relationship work through this extra long distanced relationship.

So once I was back from Michigan, it hit me that I had to wait three long months before I would see L again. I was glad that I was able to make the long trip to see him for the weekend and we were able to talk about our plans for the future. Our relationship was already not a easy one so with this transfer it made it a lot harder. But we both were determined to survive it.

We started to learn that there were some Pros and Cons to him being in Michigan. The first one was that we were able to talk a whole lot more then when he was in Pa. When he was in Pa, we were only able to talk maybe 2 or 3 times a week. But with him being in Michigan and with their calling guidelines and prices, we were able to talk to each other 2 to 3 times a day if not more. So even though he was further away from me, we felt closer to one another. He was also able to call me up until 11:30pm. Which was different because in Pa he was only able to call up until 8:15pm. The extra phone time allowed us to share more about the way that we felt about everything. We would have some really good conversations when he was in Michigan. We would set aside certain days for us to tell something that the other didn't know yet. We would use four phone calls to talk about it. That was our way of keeping things interesting. We did that at least once a week.

We also realized that the mail was different. Since there wasn't as many inmates in this facility as there was in any of the Pa facilities, they only had one person in the mail room. So if I sent a letter to L on monday morning, he wasn't due to get it until Friday or Saturday. Even with the Jpay letters which arrive at the facility the next day, they would still take 2 to 3 days to reach him. That was a pain to get used to. Not to mention, that L was only allowed to send out 10 letters a month. Yes, they counted. I hated that part but I was happy that it was me, his fiance that was getting those 10 letters.

L started to like it in Michigan. He liked the respect that the COs had for them there. They didn't give the inmates any problems until the inmates gave them problems. This allowed for the inmates to relax more and do what they were sent there to do....their time. L was able to concentrate more on his release and work towards any of the goals that he had without worrying about how he was mistreated or the thought of getting sent to the Box for speaking his mind.

I personally liked L being in Michigan. I would have rathered him stay there then to come back to Pa. Yes, I missed him dearly and wanted to be able to visit every month like we were use to but knowing that L was safe and able to finish his time smoothly was a better feeling to me then for me to be able to see him all the time. L of course loved being there but wanted to come back to Pa to be closer to me. But after some time of me and L coming up with solutions to making everything better for us, he was convinced that this was a good decision. The downside to Michigan was me traveling so far to go see him. But L will tell you in a second that me traveling to Michigan that first time was how he knew I was serious about our relationship. And that made him fall even more in love with me then he already was. Which was fine with me.

So there we were making Michigan work for us and planning another trip for me to visit in February. Michigan worked for us. We MADE it work. We put all the good and the bad on a scale and it actually turned out that all of the good outwieghed the bad, which was another good thing about Michigna. Then the whole talk about our wedding came up and thats a whole other story to be told another day lol.

Thanks for reading....

On the Road...

The time had come for me to get on the road for my trip to see L in Michigan. I was ready and excited to see my love once again. I was overpacked and ready to go. I left on a Thursday night after work. Luckily our Greyhound bus station isn't that far from my job, so that I didn't have to go far with all of my luggage. I didn't even have that long of a wait before it was time for people to load the bus. I had plenty of things with me to keep me occupied and not to mention that I planned on getting much much sleep while I was on this trip.

I was able to manage to sit by myself for the whole trip. The first stop we made was in Pittsburgh. I'm pretty familiar with Pittsburgh since I use to travel there when I went to school about an hour away. So since we would be there for about two hours, I went out and walked around a little bit. By the time I came back it was time to board the bus again and make our way to Cleveland Ohio. We arrived in Cleveland about 6am so needless to say, I wasn't going to do much site seeing while I was there. I mostly just stayed in front of the building and watched as other travelers made their way to and from the station. When we left there we made our way to Detroit Michigan. We arrived there around 12noon. It actually felt good to be in the same state as L again. I felt a connection with him at that moment. When we left there, it was said that we would arrive where L was at about 6pm. L had called me around that time and I could hear the smile on his face. I could tell he liked me being in the same state as him as well. We were both anxious about seeing each other. I arrived at the bus station where L was and I called a cab who arrived in less then five minutes. I was able to get the cab drivers number and make arrangements for him to pick me up at 8am so that I could make the first visit to see L at the new facility.

Later that night L called again and we were able to talk more and he made sure that I made it to the hotel ok and that I was comfortable. I unpacked and got my clothes ready for the next day. As I got ready, I felt that this was something big. This was something that I had never done before in my life. I had traveled all this way to see L and didn't think twice about it when it came time to think about if I would make this trip or not. I knew that making this trip was the right decision.

That morning I got up extra early and made sure that I had everything ready. The cab was on time and I was ready. I arrived at the Prison in no time and didn't have to wait long for them to call my name for me to be searched and go back to the visiting area. When I walked through those doors and see L, it felt like the first time I seen him back in May. We hugged and kissed and I couldn't stop smiling. I missed him so much. We sat down and the first thing we talked about was the trip there. He was happy to hear that it wasn't as bad as it seemed it was going to be. We talked and talked and talked. The visiting area was smaller then the facility in Pa but it had huge windows to look out onto the grounds which were beautiful. It actually looked like a college campus outside. It felt good to be in L's presence once again. It felt good for him to hold my hands and to be able to look into his eyes again. I had also made my decision to take my Shahadah that day and become Muslim. So, I did it with L. He was my witness to me taking my shahadah. It was a really special moment for us. It felt good being there with him.

The next day was our last visit so I got up even earlier this time since I would have to have a hijab on this day. It was my first time wearing it outside and I needed to give myself plenty of time to make sure it was on right. Once I was ready the cab was there and I was on my way to our date once again. I got there and when I walked through the doors L was already there and his smile was huge. He was happy to see me in my new look. After we hugged and kissed we sat down and he just kept telling me how beautiful I looked. We talked some more and then L gave me the surprise of my life. He began by telling me how much he loved me and how much he enjoyed being around me. How he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. At that moment I began to cry. Just thinking about all that I had been through in the past and now I finally know what it really feels like to be in love. It felt so good. L went on to ask me to marry him. It was one of those perfect moments that most people can only dream of. I said yes and we embraced and I didn't want the moment to ever end. We took pictures and I had this glow that I never had before. It was an amazing feeling. Knowing that I would soon be his Mrs. was great and I was truley looking forward to it.

I left the facility that day happy as can be. I was getting ready to start a new chapter in my life with L. I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life and now we have been given the chance for it. I was grabbing hold of it and never letting it go. L told me that me making that trip to come to see him is when he knew that our love was real. That made me extremly happy to hear because I felt the same way.

My trip back home was short it seemed. I couldn't wait to share with my family the good news. That I would soon be a married woman. I still hadn't told my whole family about my choice to become Muslim so there was bound to be some mixed feelings but at that moment all I could care about was that I was engaged to be married to my best friend.

A Change I was not ready for...

When in a Prison relationship, there are things that you know may happen and then there are things you have no idea will happen and there isn't anything you can do about it. This is where you really learn to be patient with the DOC and start to learn that they don't make things easy for you just because your loved one is in their Prison.

It was a planned surprise weekend for L. I had plans to bring my daughter to the Priosn to visit him for the first time and we were going to stay for the weekend. It was his birthday and I couldn't think of a better surprise for him. I was going to ride up with another friend of mine who had a brother in the same Prison. We would leave around 2am that Saturday morning and get there around 8am. My friend was going to rent a car for the weekend and we would share the expenses of everything. I had me and my daughters bad packed that Wednesday before the trip and we were excited. That Friday while I was at work, I got a phone call on my cell. It was from a number that I didn't recognize. So, since I was working I let it go to voicemail. I usually don't ever check my voicemail but when I went to my lunch break, curiousity got the best of me and I checked to see if the person who called left a message. I was not expecting to hear what I had heard.

It was L, and he was telling me not to come to visit for the weekend. He didn't go into detail as to why or anything but just told me that eventually he would explain everything to me. I instantly began to cry. I was upset with myself because I didn't answer the phone. It scared me that he called from a regular phone and not through the phones where the calls are either prepaid or collect. A million and three things were going through my mind and I couldn't control myself. I was having an anxiety attack and didn't even know it. I called my friend to see if her brother had called her thinking maybe the prison is on lockdown. But she called the Prison and they advised her that there was no lockdown and that her brother could receive visits. I was too emotional to make the call myself, so I called L's sister to find out what she could. She called and all they would tell her was that we should wait until L called before visiting. That did not calm me down. I started to think that maybe L could have gotten into some trouble. Another friend of mine made sense when she told me that she would doubt they would have let L make a call if he was going to the hole. That calmed me down a lot but I was still worried. I called L's parents when I was on my way home from work and agreed to go visit them for the weekend. I was glad they asked me to, because I don't think it would have been a good idea for me to stay home in the condition I was in.

So me and my daughter got on the Amtrak train and headed to his parents house. I let them listen to the message on my phone. They cheered me up and got my mind off of the worrying for the weekend. Then on Sunday morning, something told me to check the Pennsylvania Inmate Locator online. I put in all of L's information and it came up that L was in a different Prison. My heart sank. What the heck was going on? The prison he was currently at was only a hour away from the Prison that he was previously at, so why the transfer? It was just weird to me. I knew that I couldn't call and find out anything because they wouldn't tell me anything over the phone. I went home that night after thanking L's family for letting me come for the weekend and I went to work that Monday morning. I began to be obsessed with the inmate locator and checking L's location status almost every hour. Nothing had changed but I figured something had to change because this transfer to this facility just did not make any real sense.

I still wrote to L every day, only I held on to the letters and didn't mail them until I was sure of where L was. Thank goodness that I did, because Tuesday morning when I checked the inmate locator this time it said "N/A". I was even more confused then I was on Sunday with the first location change. Not knowing anything was killing me. I kept my phone glued to me because I knew that L would call me with information as soon as he could. It was hard to keep my composure while at work until I was inside my home. I cried every night. I cried while I wrote to him begging him in my letters to call me because I was worried sick about him. The only letters I was receiving were letters that he wrote before he was transfered. That Tuesday night I came home and had to make myself eat something. While I sat with my daughter eating our dinner, my phone rang. Again it was a number that I did not recognize but this time I was answering it. (Sigh) It was a woman whose brother was at a prison and he had asked her to call me for L. She connected the call so that L and I could talk for a couple of minutes. My heart sank when I heard that it was him. Joy filled my heart that he was okay and not in any trouble. But what happened next, I was not expecting at all.

L told me that he was in Michigan. Yes, Michigan. I felt myself getting upset all over again. Pennsylvania prisons were starting to get over crowded and the Doc started to transfer level one and two prisoners to Michigan. Me and L had this conversation before about him going to Michigan but we had thought they weren't doing any more transfers there. While some prisoners were transfered there against their will, L actually asked to be transfered there because he had heard that the time goes by a little smoother there. We never spoke of it anymore after that. But now here he was, in Michigan. He gave me his DOC number so that I could start sending his letters there. I felt better knowing that he was okay and not in any harm, but my heart hurt because I knew that I wouldn't see L as often anymore. I was use to seeing him at least once a month. That would be impossible now. I knew I had to think of something fast.

For the next two to three weeks, it took lots of adjustment for me to get back to normal. This prison in Michigan was rather slow with doing everything. I wrote to L every day just as I did when he was in Pennsylvania. Only now his letters took almost a full week for them to get to him. When L wrote to me, it took almost the same amount of time. Even if I used Jpay it was slow. When L was in Pa, if I wrote a jpay letter he woudl get it the next day. In Michigan, it took them two to three days to give it to him. During those two to three weeks, I also hadn't talked to him over the phone. I was back to having anxiety attacks. Crying myself to sleep. I had gotten so use to getting his letters and hearing his voice that I wasn't allowing myself to remain calm knowing that he was okay.

By the end of the three weeks of horror, me and L had finally gotten some order to everything. I had set us up a phone account and it actually was better then when he was in Pa. We were now able to talk to each other at least once a day. For some reason, it was cheaper for him to call me from Michigan. Go figure. I had gotten use to the time it took them to process and give him my mail. Now all we had to do was figure out how I was going to get out there to visit him. L was adoment about me not spending an arm and a leg to come out there. He didn't want me to come see him at a inconvience. Honestly, I didn't have it like that anyway, so I knew that if I was going to go there to visit him, it would have to be at a clearance rate.

First, I looked up airfare hotel and car rental. Lets just say that all of that was defniately not in the budget. For a weekend and only one person traveling, I really didn't want the trip to go over $500.00. L still thought that was too much to spend to come see him. While he fought with me about the cost of traveling to see him, I got on the computer and thought about different ways people traveled to other states. After lots of online googling, I came up with the idea to travel on the Greyhound Bus. The cost of a roundtrip ticket was less then half of a one way plane ticket to Michigan. The only problem with that was, it would be a 21 hour bus ride to get there. Yes, your reaction right now is just what my reaction was at that time. But at that moment I was also thinking of the price of the bus ride. Then came the car rental. I would have to catch a ride from the bus station to the airport to get a rental. And the cost for the rental would have been about 150.00 if I used their insurance. I contimplated not using their insurance and getting the rental for a bargain price of $55.00, but then I thought about the cost I would pay had I been in a car accident. I am a good driver but with me not knowing where I was going, I didn't want to take a chance. So then I came up with the idea of getting a hotel near the Prison and catching a cab to and from the Prison. So, I went online and found a hotel that was only about 4 miles from the Prison and got a quote. I added that plus a guess of how much I would pay for a cab ride and it ended up being cheaper then with me just having a rental car. So I booked the hotel and bus ticket. I wasn't going to tell L how I was getting there because I was sure that he would tell me no because of the long bus ride. I couldn't keep it a secret that long. When I told him, of course he was worried and not sure if he wanted me to take the ride. I explained the cost and that I would be driving through other cities like Cleveland and Detroit and I would be able to take pics and see other cities that I had never been to. After about a week of going back and forth with him, he finally was on my side with everything.

I will tell you on the next blog how my trip went. This blog shows you just how patient you have to be when your loved one is in Prison. You can't go into it thinking that everything will always go as planned. Nothing is on your time. Its the DOC's time and they move as fast or as slow as they want. They don't do things that will benefit you all the time. They do what is convienant for them. I had to learn that the hard way. I look back now and I pray that if another transfer happens, that I am able to take the experience from this transfer and apply it then. I don't want to be how I was back then. I hope to be stronger and better prepared emotionally for anything that comes along this journey.

MWI and Red Flags

As I was telling you before, being in a relationship with someone who you met while they are incarcerated is really difficult. Many support sites that I have found for prison wives call this kind of relationship "MWI Met While Incarcerated". I thought at first that my relationship wasn't normal or that not many people met like this. I found out that there are thousands of relationships that start out this way. There are Prison Pen Pal sites that you can go to and find a inmate that interests you and it will list their location and even show a picture. You can write them and start a relationship that way. They you can also meet the old fashion way of being introduced by a family member or a friend just like I was. There are some who may have worked in the Prison and began a relationship with them. There are many many ways that a MWI relationship can start. I actually look at it just the same as internet dating. How many sites are there where you can make a profile and practically choose the kind of person that you are interested in? There are tons of them now. And there are tons of everyday people who use them. You take a chance and hope that you make a connection with them. You take a chance a hope that your first impression is a good one. You take a chance that they are the person that they claim to be.

Well, meeting someone while they are in prison is like the same thing. The only difference is that they are in Prison. For whatever their crime is, you still hope the same things as you would if you would have met this person on one of those internet dating sites.

Lots of people in the beginning of my relationship would ask me how do I know if he is playing me or using me. You can hope that its not the case but you can never really know. You can believe in your heart that its a real love, but in all honesty you can never know. People sometimes tend to believe that people cannot change. They think that because of their location being in a Prison, that they are incapable of loving or caring for another person. But that is far from the case. I have met many of couples who have met while their mate was incarcerated and when their loved one has come home he is the same loving and caring person that he was while he was in. On the other hand I have met plenty of couples who did not make it once their loved one came home. Does this sound familiar to you yet?

Thinking about the people you know that have no prison records, how many of those people you know are newly single? How many people do you know that are going through the process of a divorce? How many people do you know have cheated or were cheated on by their spouse? I can name some right now. There are some relationships that make it and their are some that don't make it. You take a chance with that person and believe in your heart that this is the one for you. Sometimes you are right and sometimes you are wrong. A question that I am always asked is about the time that would have been wasted with me waiting only for him to come home and do wrong. I was with my ex for four years before I left. I don't consider that time wasted. I think of it as a learning experience. I think that those four years taught me that a relationship shouldn't always be about what you "want" but it should be about what you "need". Once I figured that out I knew that my time with my ex wasn't all for nothing. The same thing goes for the man and woman that were married for 30+ years and decided to get a divorce. That time wasn't wasted. They may have found their true selves during that time and are able to be honest with themselves regarding their marriage. The same goes for the woman in a abusive relationship behind closed doors for 10 years. She now knows what she will and will not tolerate from someone. I know that I am learning a lot about myself during this Journey with L. I do believe that this will work however if it didn't, I will not regret one part about it because I would be taking a lot from it.

There are some things that us "MWI's" need to be aware of when being in this type of relationship. Just like there are some thing you would need to be aware of certain behavior if you were in a relationship out in the free world. Here are some general RED FLAGS to watch out for to make sure that your relationship is a honest relationship. However, this is just my opinion.

1. Commissary: If he/she is adoment about you sending a large sums of money all the time. Maybe even before you meet in person.

2. Other women: There is no real way to know if he is writing other women but if it is known that he is then run the other way. Or it may be that one time you get a letter and its addressed to you but the letter is for another person with he/she saying the same things he/she says to you...run faster

3. Calls: He/she using all of the calls and only maybe one or two on you but he/she can't account for the other calls.

I can actually give a few more but to me, we as women have that intuition thing and we can sense when something isn't right. It is just up to us to use that knowledge to help us in making decisions.

I just want to say to all the people who have doubts about the type of relationship that I am in. I know that you may think my relationship is not the normal way that people meet and you think that I may be crazy for falling in love with someone in Priosn. I just want to let you know that the only thing different about my relationshop compared to yours is L's location. And that is just Geography.....

Thank you for reading

Meet the Parents...

Being in a relationship with someone you met while they were in Prison can be rather difficult. You have to have your eyes wide open to spot any signs of deceit. I will have another blog regarding that issue alone. L did a good job with making sure that I knew that I was the one and only for him.

It was the end of our second date and L had told me that he was going to call his parents that night. He wanted to see them some time soon and was going to ask them to come up. I get home from our date around 8pm. I was actually sitting in my sisters car ready to go out for some girl talk and cocktails when my phone rang with a number that I did not recognize. I answered the phone with my guard up and a womans voice says "Is this Soraya?" I hesitated on answering the question because I didn't want this to be what I thought it would be. You know what I am talking about. That call that you get from the wife or girlfriend telling you that she found your number in her mans cell phone and then you both end up having this long conversation adding up times and places. I was nervous to answer but I did. I told her that I was Soraya and the next response was music to my ears. She said "This is L's sister and he gave me and my mom your number to call and introduce ourselves to you and to make sure you made it home safely". My heart sank at that very moment. She went on to say how much L talks about me to them and how happy he sounds. She even told me that her brother has never talked to her about any female before so she knew that I had to be someone special to him. I couldn't do anything but smile the entire time. Then L's mom got on the phone and I was even more of a nervous wreck. She just kept telling me "Thank you for Loving my son". I thought that was the sweetest thing. We talked on the phone for a while and she insisted on me coming out there to visit them some time soon. We switched numbers and that is how our relationship began.

I would call and check on them at least once every two weeks to see how they were doing and to relay any messages to L or to them from L. It was very comforting to know that I had a relationship with his family. About two months after the first phone call from them, they asked if me and my daughter would come to see them for the weekend. L was excited when I told him that we would be traveling to see them. He couldn't wait. He kept saying that he knew they would love me. So we planned to to take the Amtrak train to visit them at the end of August 2010.

As we were getting off the train, I began to get the shakes. I was nervous about meeting his family not only face to face but also without him there to formally introduce us. We were on our own. It was a very different situation. But I was up for it and so was my daughter. We got off the train and we stood outside waiting with all the other passengers for a ride to pull up. I had no idea what L's parents looked like, so I was hoping that they could tell it was me. Lots of cars pulled up and pulled off and I was getting antsy. Finally his parents pulled up and his mom playfully yelled "Heyyyyy". They both got out of the car to greet us with hugs and kisses. it was like we were already family. I loved it. We got to the house and was greeted by his two sisters and his neice. They were very welcoming. Everyone wanted to see pictures of me and L and hear our story. They wanted to know how we met and how we were making this work. They kept telling me how beautiful me and my daughter are and how happy they are for him that he has found someone like me. I was very overwhelmed. Then L's little brother came in. Now L always calls his brother "twin". At that moment, I knew exactly why he called him twin. L's brother was a spitting image of him. He looked just like him except L's brother has a baby face since he is only 14 years old. I couldn't believe it. I just kept smiling and staring at him. We had dinner and drinks that night and we talked and talked and talked. My daughter enjoyed herself playing with his neice. They were only a year apart so they got along very well. The whole weekend I got to see old pictures of L and hear stories about him as a child. It was definately a cherishable moment. I loved every bit of it. L has a wonderful and loving family and I was glad they accepted me right into it with open arms.

My daughter didn't want to leave that sunday night. She actually cried. I had promised her that we would return again soon. And that is exactly what we did. We visit his family for the weekend at least once a month if not more. I talk to them at least once a week now and it has been great. I call his parents "mom and dad" and his sisters "sis". I call his brother twin just like he does. They accept me and my daughter as L's wife and daughter. They treat my daughter as their own grandaughter. I have been blessed that this worked out in our favor. They helped to take a awkward situation and make it a pleasant one and I love them for that. L loves the relationship that I have with his family. I love it too. I love that he gave me the oppritunity to get to know them by asking them to call me.

This is how I answer one of the main questions that are asked of me. People always wonder how we make this work. One of the reasons I tell them is the love that is around me gets me through. Not only do I have my best friends and my family supporting me and L's relationship, I have his family on our side as well. They keep me connected to him in a way that maybe some letters and phone calls can't. Going to visit them and spending time with them and hearing stories of L and meeting more and more of his family brings me closer to him then you could imagine. I love it.

Thank you for reading and sorry about the delay(smile)

Introduction to my Daughter...

When is it ever a good time to introduce a special person in your life to your children? Everyone probably has different answers for that question. Some could say six months after you first met them, some could say six weeks, some could even say six days after. No matter what,there will still be that one person telling you that you are crazy and that you should have waited longer. I do not expect everyone to agree with my decision to introduce my daughter to L while he is still in prison, or when and how we did it. This is simply the way me and L went about it and it has worked for us. But just like anything else, what works for us may not work for you.

I had told L about my daughter in my first letter. He admired the strong love and bond that I have with my daughter. He would always ask me in my letters how she was doing in school and in her activities. Now on the other hand I had not told my daughter anything about L. I didn't feel she needed to know anything about him right up front. Especially since I hadn't expected this to really go anywhere. So for months she had not known what was going on. Once me and L decided to take our relationship to the next level, and she started to see that I was getting more and more letters from L, she asked me who he was and I told her that he was a special friend. I didn't tell her where he was or anything like that. I think it was about two months after we got together that I had explained to her that L was in Prison and that he was on punishment for doing bad things and that he is learning his lesson. I didn't want to go into detail about every thing but she understood what I had told her.

The first time L and my daughter talked on the phone was July 4, 2010. We had a block party and L had previously told me that he would call me that day. While we talked he had asked me if it was okay if he talked to her. I agreed and called her over to the phone. They talked for about two to three minutes and the conversation was mostly with L asking the questions and my daughter giving one word answers. After their first conversation, L sent my daughter her first Prison made card. She was ecstatic about it. She showed it off to all of her friends and anyone willing to look at it. She wrote him a letter back thanking him and from that moment on they began to build a relationship that today I am very proud of. From then on the phone conversations began to get longer and longer and my daughter was now comfortable enough to talk to him and ask him questions and even laugh with him. With more and more time passing L and my daughter had a good relationship with one another. Some things had changed in me and L's relationship (future blog) and we were now doing Virtual Visits. A Virtual Visit is a visit that is held at a place where they have a room with a camera and a tv. The person can see and hear you and you can see and hear them. Kind of like Web chat. I took my mom and my daughter to meet L through a Virtual Visit on December 9, 2010. It was the best visit ever even though I wasn't able to touch and hug L. They got along with L just as if L was right there beside us. They laughed and laughed and laughed the entire visit. I wish you all could have seen the smile on my face. Nothing could take it away.

L and my daughter had even made arrangements on when he would call to speak to her. At first it was just Wednesdays. L would call around 8pm and we would talk for a little bit and then I would put my daughter on the phone. She would sit next to me and tell him about her day and she would ask him about his. They would laugh of course and after about ten minutes she would give me back the phone and he always says "Yo, she is comical"...She would have him cracking up. I love that. Well, after a while, the one day a week wasn't getting it and they decided that they would add on Saturdays too. So now they talk on Wednesdays and Saturdays every week. My daughter has received many cards and gifts from L and she loves writing back to him. She gets to see him once a month through the Virtual Visit and she looks forward to them all. He helps her with homework during the visits and gets to act as silly as she wants to because L does nothing but laugh the entire time. L doesn't have any children. He says my daughter is his daughter. Although my daughter knows her biological father, she says she has the best of both worlds because she has two.

One day my daughter felt as though since more things had changed in me and L's relationship (future future blog) that she should have a different name to call him besides Mr.L...She had asked me to help her look for a name and we went online and googled some things and she came up with "Bud"...So to my daughter, L is Bud. He absolutely loves it. When she gets on the phone to speak to him she says "Whats up Bud" and you can hear him laughing through the phone. It is so hilarious.

I love the bond that my daughter and L now have with each other. I always think back to that first phone call on July 4th and then I look to where they are now. Back then it was all one word answers and now she takes up a whole fifteen minute phone call. To actually see a relationship grow right in front of you is amazing. I love it. I love that they get along so well. She is actually looking forward to meeting him in person. We talk about it all the time.

Some may have problems with this blog and say that I was crazy to introduce my daughter to L but I think it has been working out for us. L has some years left and my daughter would be about 11 or 12 by the time he comes home and I couldn't imagine me telling my 12 year old that a man is coming to stay with us and she has no idea about him or has never met him before. I talked it over with myself and I talked with L about it as well to get his input on it. This is what I came up with and I am happy with my decision. Wouldn't change any of it.

Dealing with Family and Friends...

This was a rough subject for me. I had kind of a hard time explaining my relationship with L to my family and friends. My mother was and is still my biggest supporter when it comes to me and L, which was my major concern. I explained to her what was going on and of course in the beginning she had some concerns but soon after she seen how happy I was, she realized that this was good for me. Til this day I can talk to my mom about anything regarding my relationship with L and she is very supportive of us. My mom has noticed lots of changes within me since me and L

Now the rest of my family really don't speak on it. I mainly talk to my younger cousins and they know more then my older relatives know. I believe that they speak of it and are concerned but no one has ever expressed concern to it to me. I have some aunts and uncles whom I can speak with regarding everything and they are supportive even though they may not agree with my decision. They don't usually express their opinions about our relationship so there is little to none confrontation about it.

Now my friends on the other hand have known me for years and know lots about me. They know things about me that others do not know. They know how my past was with other relationships and things I had gotten myself into prior to me meeting L. My friends know that I am not the type that rejects advice. Some of them expressed concern with me and L being together and some of them chose to say things to other people regarding my relationship. Since being in this relationship, I have found out lots about the people around me. Once it was out in the open that I was with him and that I was extremly happy, some I guess, didn't like it. I say "didn't like it" because they have never really told me why they chose to downplay my relationship or talk about it in a negative manner. I had thought my family would be the hard part but it ended up being my friends. People that I had known for years were showing me their true colors. It wasn't that they were telling me what they thought about our relationship and it was their opinion. I respect others opinions. If it were about their opinion then I am sure we would still be on great terms. It was the fact that they couldn't come to me with their concerns. Instead they chose to go behind my back about it. I would cry and cry to L on the phone while I told him something new that I had heard and at times I honestly couldn't believe my ears. After a while I chose to distance myself from certain people to remove the negative vibes from my life and my surroundings. Since then I have been much more happy and calmer. I don't have the same drama in my life and I am more relaxed and content with my relationship. I had realized with me being with L that I had lots of people in my life that was only supposed to be in my life for a couple of seasons, but I held on to them a lot longer then I was supposed to. In the end I learned a lesson and I have moved on from it.

My friends concerns were that he could come home and do me wrong. Ok, yes he could do that. I could be with L until he comes home and then he could be the total opposite of what he has said to me. I have thought about that. But I could also be with someone out in the free world who has spent the past 4 years treating me right and think that we are happy together and then get a rude awakening when I find out he got someone else pregnant. Things happen all the time and no one can predict what the future holds. The only thing you can do is pray for a wonderful outcome. Do I think L would come home and do me wrong? No, of course I don't think that way. However if it did happen then I would be hurt and then I would take time to acknowledge the lesson that was taught to me during the relationship and take heed to it.

Another concern that was expressed to me was that I have a seven year old daughter. What I had to let my friends know was that I do not plan to just jump head first into taking her up to the prison to see L. Not only am I not crazy enough to do that but L would not have liked it as well. We took our time regarding my daughter slowly getting to know who L is. Rushing things with her could only hurt her and that is far from what I was trying to do.

There were some friends who couldn't get past the whole idea of someone in Prison actually changing and not being the same person that they were when they first entered the Prison. People in Prison are just like us. We do something wrong, something that we aren't supposed to do and we may or may not get caught doing it. We can chang the type of person that we once were. It is up to us. I know I am not the same person I was in High School. Heck, I am not the same person I was a year from now. I would like to think that I have changed for the better and I have belief that L has also changed for the better.

All in All there are going to be some people who support you 100%. And to those friends I thank them every day. There may not be many, we may not see each other on a regular basis, but they are there when I need them and if they have some concern I know they will come to me and we will sit down and have something to eat and talk about it. I know they won't hold anything back. They will be the true friends that they have been to me.

There will also be some people who don't support you and to them I sadly shake my head. Knowing how many people claim to be someones friends and claim to be real and tell it like it is, it makes me sad that they aren't REALLY able to express their feelings to someone they say is a FRIEND.

L was wonderful with supporting me while I went through the change with my friends and family. If I needed to cry he let me cry and then made me laugh. If I needed to scream and yel, then he let me scream and yell and then talked me back down to a normal tone. He did what a perosn who is in Love is supposed to do.....He was THERE for me.

We both realized that we couldn't build our relationship the way that anyone else saw fit. We had to do this for Soraya and L.

We make this work for US...not everyone else.

2nd Date...Love is Revealed...

It was the night before our second date. I was a nervous wreck while I was at my sisters house getting ready to head out to catch this bus. I had to be there by 2am. It was only 10pm the night before. We were watching the Lakers vs. Celtics last game in the 2009-2010 season. They were tied at 3-3, so whoever won this game won the Championship. I was on pins and needles through out the entire game. Me and L are both really big Lakers fans. So I was hoping to talk about the winning of the game at our date rather then the lost. My sister helped me to get ready and she dropped me off at the bus station and I seen about 30 others waiting for the same bus. The bus arrives and we all pack in a line that was supposed to be straight and we got on the bus. Its about 2:10am at this point and you would have thought everyone would hae been tired but there were people up the whole bus ride there.

We pull up to the prison and I am excited. I was happy that I didn't have the stress of driving up to the Prison myself. I felt more relaxed and ready to see L. We stood in line and waitted for our names to be called to go back to the visiting area. Once again I waited in that room for L to come out and when he did any and all worries that may have been on my mind had vanished. He grabbed me and pulled me into him for a hug and a much needed kiss. There goes that smile again. I was on about 7 to 8 clouds at that moment. We sat down and began to talk about the game. We were both ecstatic that the Lakers had won. After a while L had began to sweat. L has a bald head so you could see the water pouring off of his head. He kept whiping his face and his leg was shaking. I knew he was nervous about something. I knew he had to say something but he was taking to long so I blurted out to him "I Love You".....L looked at me with this face that started out stressed and ended in calmness. I was shocked that I said it. L was even more shocked. He smiled. He then said "I Love you too but....I don't want you to think that I said it because you said it first. I was preparing myself to say it and I was nervous that you would want to fall back"...I grabbed his hands and I smiled. My heart was skipping beats. It was the first time someone had told me they loved me and I didn't question it. It felt so good. Finally Love had found me. Finally....

The rest of the visit was wonderful. Now, I know that it may seem rushed to some but remember, me and L were writing to one another since January. We were friends before anything. We fell for each other based off personality rather then physical appearance. Was it the normal route that most take when meeting their spouse? No, by all means it wasn't. However, that doesn't say that our love isn't real. This worked for me and L. It may not work for every one else.

Once I got home that evening after the date, L called me to make sure that I had made it home safely. We talked for a while and it was the first time I could hear him smiling through the phone. I love that feeling. I love when I hear his smile and know that I am the one that has put the smile there. Even as I am typing this letter. I am sitting here smiling remembering the cherished moment between us. When the call was over and the operator told us we had one minute remaining. There was nothing awkward about the way the call ended. He said "I Love You" and I said "I Love You too" and a feeling of relief entered my body. It feels good to love and know that I am being loved back.

I Love You L

Saturdays: A letter from my Love...

Ok, so I have decided that on Saturdays I would post a letter from L to me to show you how our communication is. The letter that I am posting today is one of the letters he sent to me about two weeks after our first date. It was a short letter but he got straight to the point of what he was trying to say. Whenever I go back and read his old letters I always get extra excited when I read certain ones and this is one of them. I hope you enjoy it.


Soraya, June 9, 2010

Everyday baby...everyday my feelings for you get stronger. Can't nobody tell me what I'm feeling isn't real. You're always saying that I really don't know how happy I make you right? Did you or do you ever sit back and think or wonder how happy you make me? Because you definately make me happy.

There isn't a drug that could produce a high that can compare to this.(How I'm feeling) I can't even count how many times a day I think of you. This may or may not sound crazy, but me getting locked up was a blessing in disguise and your the blessing.(smile) Honestly though.

I always tell you that everything happens for a reason, and I believe that if I had never gotten locked up, I wouldn't have met you and vice versa. Get what I am trying to say? Seriously, since you came into my life everything changed. It's like everything is smooth. I am more humble and relaxed. I don't even know if I am making any sense. It just feels good to know that I have a good woman in my corner that likes me, or loves me???(smile). I don't have to question your motive angle. Man...that alone is a beautiful thing. I don't second guess anything you say or tell me. Real Talk!! You and my brother are the only two that can say anything and I'll believe you..

I just wanted to send you a quick letter to tell you how much you mean to me. I am out for now baby. I'll write you again tomorrow. Promise(smile)
Until then continue to take care of you and your little one

Missing you like crazy
Ya Boo
L

Ps. Here is a song: Kindred Family Soul "Stars"
This song is going to be our Anthem (smile)

Did you enjoy the letter? I got goosebumps while I was typing it. I love how L can write me a quick letter and still give me butterflies. L is not big on writing all the time. He has told me that in one of our first letters. So sometimes I get a long letter sometimes I get a letter that is only one page front and back. I am always grateful with whatever I get because he doesn't like to write. I get about five letters a week from L and for someone who doesn't like to write he knows how to make me smile. We had also started to send each other songs that fit our relationship or expressed how we felt about each other. He will send me the song that he picked out and I would pick out a song and print and send him the lyrics and then I would download the song to my computer so that we have our own playlist to listen to when he comes home. The playlist is called "Our Soundtrack". Sometimes we have competitions on who has the best song for that week. We love having healthy competition with each other. And I can't say that I always win because L is sharp with the oldies HAHA!!

This letter shows you how we have had to communicate with each other for the past year. Having great lines of communnication are the ways that we don't argue as much with each other. It is a process of learning the likes and dislikes about a person. Since we can't be with each other on a regular basis we have to rely on each other to tell everything that needs to be known. No secrets. Now we know that we can't learn everything about each other over night or even in a year. We take time to just have letters where we just give up the tape about ourselves. Even embarrasing things which always causes lots of laughs.

Ok so Sunday is my rest day, so I will see you all again on Monday. Hope you enjoyed L's letter to me.

Feenin for the mail...

Before I met L back in January of 2010, mail was not something that I would look forward to. I mean, who looks forward to getting another bill or perhaps other junk mail every day? However that changed once the correspondence started between us. At first me and L would write at least one letter a week to each other. After I got comfortable talking with him, I would sometimes write more then one letter a week. We would have long deep conversations about any and everything in our letters. That was how he got me wanting more. When I first wrote that letter, I had no intentions on taking this any further then a friendship. I didn't even think the letters would last that long and neither did L. He would always say that he had to stay focused because the odds were 80-20. 20% chance that I would continue to write for the next five years and 80% chance that I wouldn't. After reading that comment I kind of took offense but after I thought about it for a while, I knew it was reality. We still never thought it would have come this far, which I think is beautiful about our situation. We were friends first. We took time to get to know each other without the distraction of wants and desires. All of this through letters.

So after the visit and we decided to take our relationship to another level, the letters became more frequent. I was now writing every day and L wrote about 5 times a week. I knew the days that mail should come and what days mail wouldn't come. For instance, there is no mail picked up or delivered on Saturdays where L was at. So I knew that I wouldn't get any mail from L on Tuesdays. I knew that if he wrote me Sunday night and it was picked up on Monday, then I would get it on Wednesday. Now some may say that its a little crazy that I know the mail days, but when this is your only major way of communication with your mate, you make sure you know when you are getting mail. HA!! You also start to not appreciate major holidays as well HA!! No mail means mail is backed up and your letters aren't coming on their normal days. Trust me, I am not the only one who has a mail schedule. When the feenin for the mail started, I thought I was the only one and I didn't like how I was becoming. Then one day I was told about a site where you can go and get support on being in a prison relationship. I went to the site and found that heck nooooo I was not the only one. There were tons of us. And they all laughed about stalking the mail man. I let out a sigh of relief. It felt good to see that I wasn't the only one dealing with all of this. L was never worried about getting mail because he got mail from me every day except the weekend. We started to speak to each other once or twice a week on the phone and I cherished our little fifteen minutes. But i will always appreciate the start of our communication being through letters. Which I think back to all the times when communication was a problem for me. This has been such a eye opener for me. I mean, so many people don't talk to their loved one every chance they get. They go to bed mad at each other. They don't take the time to say "I love you" to one another. All of these things are taken for granted. I use to do the same until the day my life changed with L. Now I appreciate every moment that I get to talk or write or see L. I cherrish it because I know that time is precious.

Tomorrow since it is the weekend. I will post an old letter for L. I'm gonna let you all see the love we had for one another and what it is to put your heart down on paper for the other to see.

Have you ever???

Have you ever caught yourself doing something, or wishing for something to happen and then right then and there, it happened. It was the Tuesday after my first visit to the Prison to see L and I was waiting patiently for the letter that he said he would write after our visit. When I called home from work that day, my mom had told me that no mail arrived for me. I was sitting on my porch looking at my phone ready to update my social networking status and put that I was missing a special someone and at that very moment my phone rang and there was the picture of me and L on my phone. It was him. My eyes got wide. The biggest smile came across my face. I ran in the house and up to my room for some privacy. I accepted the call and it felt like it was the first time he had ever called me. Hearing his voice was so comforting.

After the first visit, I went home and the fact that he was in Prison started to play with my mind. I wanted to know what he was thinking, like you would want to know after any other date. I wanted to ask him if he enjoyed himself, if he wanted to see me again. I mean he said all of those things while I was there, but I wanted to hear them again now that I was home. It was killing me that I wasn't able to pick up the phone and let him know I had made it home okay and then just talk for a little while to let each other know that we enjoyed each other. Then maybe set up plans for another date. The frustration of it all was getting to me. I wanted to speak to L. So when I got that call, of course I was extra excited to speak with him. As soon as he told me that he missed me my heart sank. Like, remember when you had that crush on the senior in high school and you were just a shy freshman? Remember how it felt the day you made yourself fall into him and he caught you with his magical arms and looked into your eyes and said "hey"??? Do you remember the feeling of your heart melting or the feeling of having butterflies all over your body. That was how it felt when he told me he missed me. It was wonderful. I never wanted the feeling to go away. We talked for the normal fifteen minutes and of course I didn't want the phone call to end.

We talked about the next time that I would visit L and I had already told him that I was given some information where there was a non profit organization that made monthly bus trips to where L was for $25.00 roundtrip. I was able to get a bus ticket and made plans to go on Friday June 18, 2010. That would be our second date. I knew I had lots to talk about with L on this upcoming date because my feelings were flying every which way. I could tell that we both wanted to say more but was scared of the others reaction. The end of phone calls were awkward and our letters were telling more and more about the way we were feeling. Although I was experiencing lots of happiness and excitement, this was also the time when a lot of things regarding a prison relationship hit me in the face. You find yourself doing things that you never did before. Well, I did. I had always loved attention. My mate had to show me attention and when I say attention I mean I needed to be around them a lot. But this....this was....different. All we had between visits were letters and a phone call once a week. So I started to wait for the mail. At first it wasn't that bad but then I found myself stalking my mailman from my job. I use to have my mom text me and let me know if I had mail or not. If I didn't get mail it literally was the end of the world. Some may say that I may have had a crazy moment at that time but I beg to differ. I was just trying to adjust to a new world for me. It wasn't something that I could easily adjust to. This was our communication. The communication that so many in the free world seem to take for granted. Over the next few months we learned to master communication. We could have one fifteen minutes phone call and start off cool then argue resolve the problem and then be back on boo lovin terms by the time the operator says "You have one minute remaining". Then with letters it was worst cause it took forever for him to get my letters. But we made adjustments within ourselves to have the letters work in our favor. It was hard as heck to keep from wanting the letters to never end. So this was starting to be my new life. I was happy. Would I have wanted it different and him out in the free world? Yes, I would love it but I know that everything happens for a reason. My reason you ask??? I will tell ya later (smile)

Before the Journey Begins...

I have been in a prison relationship for almost a year now. But, I figured I should kind of give you a brief background before I just dive right in on what has been going on with me and my love. There is lots to be said so I will probably split it up in a couple of different blogs so that you all won't get confused right away.

January 28, 2010, was the day that I wrote the first letter to L. I had been having trouble on the dating scene and a friend of mine urged me to try something new. Well, here I was, trying something new. I was writing my friends brother who was incarcerated in a Pennsylvania Prison. I couldn't believe that this is what it all came down to. My mind was closed as to what it was that I would find. But that didn't last very long. Soon, I realized the large gift that was waiting for me inside of those Prison walls.

Me and L wrote to each other for about 5 months before we decided that I would take the drive to go see him for the first time. I had no idea of what he looked like and was kind of anxious to find out who this mystery man was. The personality through his letters was strong and smart. He could make me laugh through a letter so loud. It was something that I had never experienced with a man out in the free world. If I hadn't just left a bad relationship two years prior to writing my first letter to L, then I would have jumped head first into this relationship with L and ended up with my heart broken or maybe even breaking his heart. By me taking the past two years to get to know myself and learn from past mistakes in relationships, I was able to see L for who he was right now and not for the past that he had. I was able to open my eyes and want to get to know him and not what he used to be. I had to think long and hard before I made that trip to see him. I knew that once I was there in that visiting room that if we clicked then I would have lots of thinking to do. I wanted to do that thinking before I got there. And I did. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I made the decision that if we clicked even more on the visit then I would be willing to take the next step.

The day of the first visit, I was a nervous wreck. I drove four hours to see him and I couldn't stop shaking. The guards were looking at me like I was crazy. I couldn't believe I had drove four long hours to a Prison to see someone that I had never actually seen before. All I kept saying to myself was "if anything, we can just be friends". When they called my name and I went through all of the doors, I finally was standing in the visiting room. I waited and I waited and then finally I heard a door slam and I turned to my right and there, right there to my right was the prettiest smile I had ever seen on a man. It was a bittersweet moment. He smiled and came over to me and picked me up in his arms. At that moment, we sat down and I looked into his eyes and I knew I wasn't leaving that visiting room a single woman. We spent the next seven hours of our visit talking and laughing like we had known each other for years. We smiled at each other the whole time. We were both complaining that our cheeks were hurting. We talked about everything from religion to politics to sports. It felt so good talking to someone who knew how to talk back. I will never forget that visit. It was our first date. 5-22-10

I left that day feeling like I had accomplished something. Like, I had finally accomplished the art of having a successful date. In all of my 27 (at that time) years, I had never been on a really successful date. I was extremely proud of myself and I couldn't wait to see L again. I knew I was in for a roller coaster. L had 5 more years left before he would be able to apply for pre-release. I had lots to learn and lots to realize being in a prison relationship. I thought I knew what was going to happen, but I had no idea.